RACONTEUR ROUNDUP

Sorry for skipping last week. My post-Thanksgiving dinner stomach remained distended for at least 48 hours, obscuring my feet when I looked downwards, and I was emotionally unready to look at hot people on the internet.

TRENDING THIS WEEK:

Your kids: in the womb, postpartum, and in college; Speidi gets spendy (that's the media-whoring couple from The Hills, in case nobody remembers); the state with the largest average dick size (it's NOT Texas); the Don Draper of dope, and more!

WOMAN'S POSTPARTUM BODY DEEMED TOO HOT TOO SOON

Caroline Berg Eriksen, the fitness guru wife of a guy who is famous in Europe, looked like this just a few days after having her daughter. Some blogger lady (not me) said in reaction to this photo, "This is not a selfie. This is an act of war." Well, she's an idiot on account of her first proclamation- this is definitely a selfie. As for the act of war bit, I was compelled to read more, so I went to her blog. My suspicions were confirmed- she is a jealous nerd. "If I looked like Eriksen I would also possibly refuse to put on clothes ever again and I would be struttin' around the house in my size 0 knickers and my maternity bra all day listening to Diana Ross's 'I'm Coming Out'," she says. Umm... ok. I'd personally don a skin-tight Herve Leger dress, go to a club, and let any number of bankers buy me drinks all night to make up for 9 months of abstinence. But that's just me. 

When I was in the postpartum room after my delivery a year ago, the nurse gave me a big white net. "What's this?" I inquired. "It's your underwear for the next few days," she replied. "First, you put on the net like underwear, there are holes for your legs. Then, you line the bottom of the net with two giant heavy-duty absorbency pads. Then you line the pads with Tuck's witch hazel cooling pads. Then you spray on some Dermaplast. Then you squirt this water bottle up your hoo-ha. Then you lift up the netting toward your waist." I tried to go over the instructions several times in my head. I went to the bathroom and did all that she said. "How does it feel?" she asked me when I came out. "Like I just took a heavy dump in a giant pre-soaked diaper," I whined. "Great, you did it right!" she said enthusiastically. I think of this conversation as I look at this hot girl's picture. I can't see even a trace outline of massive pads. This girl's done a good job with herself.

I feel bad for her daughter, though. Imagine having a mom who looks like that. I'm glad my mom looked the way she did when I was growing up. She was always decent looking enough for me to have some bit of confidence in my inherited destiny, but she wasn't overwhelmingly good looking in a way that would make me feel threatened. Plus, it was easier to lift the fishnet of afterbirth pads up the short legs that I inherited from my mother. Less distance from my crotch to the floor, which really cut down on my prep time. Thanks, Mommy!

SCIENCE: EXCESSIVE CONSUMPTION OF "FROOT LOOPS, CHEETOS AND NUTELLA" DURING PREGNANCY IS A BAD IDEA

I wish this article came out 13 months ago. Maybe I could've looked like Mrs. Eriksen. Maybe I would've thought twice about my dehydrated boxed cheese cravings (though I'm sure it wouldn't have stopped me). Basically, the article says that if you eat like a fat-ass when you're pregnant and breastfeeding, your kid is going to eat like a fat-ass too. Explains why my one-year-old daughter's favorite foods are fried chicken and watermelon. Well, partially explains it, anyway. Recall that I used to have a thing for basketball players.

THE HARDEST PART ABOUT BEING A HARVARD STUDENT IS GETTING IN

Douche overheard at local Starbucks register, "Insufficient funds? Impossible! I went to Harvard!"

Current and former classmates of Lee M. Cardholder were shocked (or not) to hear that the most frequently awarded grade at Harvard is an A.  Well, Harvard elitists, does your school inflate the high school grades of incoming freshmen? Yours probably didn't have to. But mine did. It's too bad we were removed from the US News rankings in 2012, because I was really impressing people when I told them that I went to America's Fifty-First Best School.

SPENDY SPEIDI

It doesn't even matter at this point who these people are and why they were once famous. All that matters now is that they are allegedly very poor because they didn't know what to do with their money.

I've often wondered about these riches to rags types. Take Mike Tyson (and Evander Holyfield too), Ed McMahon, Nicholas Cage, Toni Braxton... examples of people that were once filthy rich and then pissed all their money away. How could one possibly squander so much? I now finally have some insight via this Buzzfeed breakdown, which names the esteemed sources In Touch magazine and Daily Mail. But I mean, it's Buzzfeed, and we're talking about Heidi and Spencer Pratt, so who the hell cares. Highlights: Heidi spent $200,000 on plastic surgery, and spent $20,000-30,000 on individual shopping trips.

ANOTHER REASON TO BONE A NORTH DAKOTAN (AS IF YOU NEEDED ONE)

Brett Favre didn't do much for the Minnesota ranking

This list was compiled by a condom shop, so it's total bullshit. I mean, Rhode Island is number 2. But it's still fun to draw contrived conclusions about the results. New Jersey guido muscle meatheads are famous for having 'roid shrunken junk, I'd expect them to come in somewhere around 45. Alabama doesn't make sense either- I'd expect them to be at the bottom of the list, what with all the leprechauns roaming around there (and you know what they say about leprechauns). I've mostly been with foreign guys, so I can't really speak to the accuracy one way or another, except to say it seems really wrong. It's so tough for me to relate that I feel like a lesbian scrolling through this list.

THE DON DRAPER OF POT

Obviously the Don Draper of pot is pudgier than that other Don Draper... this one eats Funyuns at night instead of hooking up with his secretary. Mason Tvert's profile as Director of Communications for the Marijuana Policy Project is pretty cool (aside: it's no surprise that he's friends with Bill Maher). It's like my dad always said, "Fuck the alcohol lobby." Yes that is in fact something that my dad says often.

RIDIN' THE COTTON PONY

 

In case you haven't seen it, this is my favorite thing this week. Right now I'm feeling flirty (F- does that also stand for foreigner?) but I'd also really love a heating pad (HP) and I just ate an oatmeal cookie which unfortunately didn't make it to the chart. Too healthy.