TRENDING THIS WEEK: A wedding that I actually
care about, Björk being...Björk, how not to quit your job, aging
un-gracefully, getting paid to poop, the Brittany Murphy death conspiracy, and more!
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| En route to a yoga retreat with oversized sunnies and venti Starbucks cups. Hate us much? |
ICELANDIC TINKERBELL: THERE IS A LITTLE CITY DWELLING IN THE BACK OF YOUR TV SET
I don't know why this was brought up in The Atlantic this week, because I'm pretty sure that this video is from the nineties. But it's timeless. Björk is so totally from another planet! Here's Kristin Wiig brilliantly channeling her on SNL.
QUITTING
Dear Woman: I presume that you are a young woman. I understand that you just quit your accounting internship at one of the Big Four because you just couldn't stand another minute of it. You thought you'd quit in some kind of grandiose way, by sending an email to your entire audit team, offering your resignation in the most crass and idiotic way possible: with poorly contrived hash tags. Listen, you little shitstain: you are a millennial if there ever was one. It's an internship, girl! You should know that more than half of the recipients of this whiny tantrum didn't click on it because they didn't recognize your name! If you really want to send a "shove it" message to your employer that wins the hearts of oppressed workers everywhere, your quitting story must at least be equal to that of Steven Slater. Excuse me, that's Steven FUCKING Slater. All your Beyonce ramblings are meaningless, by the way. Especially to accountants. #ingrate
SAD TRUTHS OF ADULTHOOD
Some of these are really stupid and almost all of them are obvious. It IS hard to make friends after college. I moved to 3 different cities since I turned 22, 2 of which I'd never lived in before. I had the distinct displeasure of trying to meet "couple friends" with my husband. It's harder to make friends when you're married after college. Everyone just presumes that you're a pair of crusty old swingers. I swear we weren't. Although I make no guarantees 18 years from now when my daughter's in college and I'm bored.
I'm going to add to this list. Things you SAY as you get older:
- "If I was that girl's mother I'd tell her to cover up. And also, her ass looks amazing."
- "Why are these freckles still lingering on my face 3 months post-summer?"
- "I just did the Master Cleanse for 12 weeks- and I lost an entire pound!!"
- "Yessir, of COURSE you can see my ID! Do I look that young? :)"
- "So the real point I'm trying to make is tha-- oh shit. Wait what was I saying. I forgot to take my Gingko Biloba this morning."
- [At nail salon]: "Harry Styles is dating Kendall Jenner... who the hell are these people?"
- "Mom and dad, I'm coming over to feed you tonight. And don't forget to take your synthroid medication with your meal."
- "Last night was so much fun. I don't even remember what happened, except that I ate a slice of pumpkin pie, drank a bottle of wine and then blacked out on my couch before I finished this incredible HBO documentary about illegal organ transplants."
EARN SOME LOOT WHILE YOU TOOT
Your dream career: pooping. This is the job posting if you're interested. It's supposed to benefit New York or something. I don't know about you, but if I have to go my first instinct isn't to search on Yelp to read what chatty Asian teenage girls are saying about the closest bathroom. It's usually a bit more urgent than that. I'll save tales of my incontinence for another time- sorry to disappoint- but I do have an observation about West Coast toilets. They are cleaner than any bathroom I've ever been to back home on the East Coast. Maybe it's the toilet seat covers, which I find in every stall here. I thought they were mandated in the state of California given the state's public restrooms law- hey, wait! Maybe I should apply for the job! Should I do it?
THIS WEEK'S NAZI
Last week we had the black white power guy shaming himself on British television. This week's Nazi is the guy who shot Larry Flynt, President of Larry Flynt Enterprises aka publishers of Hustler Magazine aka Playboy with vaginas. Aside: Hustler worldwide headquarters is located in the same building as the Brazilian diplomatic consulate here in Beverly Hills. Coincidence?
Joseph Paul Franklin was a wingnut who named himself after the notorious Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels. He was also purportedly diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, which you'd think would be enough to exempt someone from a death sentence. Nope! Not in the USA.
In addition to being a serial killer, he tried to assassinate Larry Flynt because his magazine printed photos of interracial people doing it. What do you think Mr. Franklin would have to say about Björk? She's not Jewish or Black but she's definitely an alien.
THE SMELL OF SICKNESS
Scientists at Penn are working on detecting the smell of ovarian cancer by monitoring an electronic nose that sniffs the blood of sick people. This reminds me of when I got mono in college. I wasn't feeling well and my throat hurt like it had never hurt in my life. I went to the student health clinic at my university. The person checking me out was a total moron.
"It appears that your glands are swollen," she observed. "I'm noticing a cut on your leg- likely from shaving. Your lymph nodes must be responding to that infected site."
Sounded like bullshit to me, but I shrugged and left. I returned to my dorm room. Later that week I still felt like death and my friend came up to me.
"Open your mouth," she said. I was too sick and tired to experiment with my sexuality at that moment but I did it anyway. She pulled her head closer and took a few sniffs.
"You definitely have mono," she pointed out. "That's what mono smells like. Are you constantly tasting a weird Cheerios taste?"
"Yup."
"Feel better."
My friend was a genius! (She turned out to be an event planner, not a doctor). Now, if you Google "mono smell," it appears to be a thing. If mono has a certain odor to it, I'd imagine that other diseases might too, right? I hope that science gets to the bottom of it.
TOLDJA
Last week I wagged my finger at Chip Wilson, and the Lululemon CEO continues to be an idiot. He was just selected to be Stephen Colbert's Alpha Dog of the Week.
THIS CHICK IS AUCTIONING OFF HER VIRGINITY...AGAIN
I know I'm straight because I look at this picture and the first thing I think is, "She has amazing hair." Anyway, her website isn't working. That's at least one obstacle in her quest to bank $1.5 million to get freaky for the
BRITTANY MURPHY WAS MURDERED BY 'SHADOWY GOVERNMENT OPERATORS'
Her dad is insisting that's what happened, anyway. What about her creepy husband? He died under similar, weird circumstances that same year. And after she died her mom moved in with her husband. That's also pretty weird. I hold the view that she died from anorexia. I don't know why I've been so fascinated by this story.
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