What Jesus and Santa have in common (it's not just Christmas!); your cab driver as Mr. January; morbid tweets; an especially creepy plastic surgeon; revenge porn, and more!
SHIT MEGYN KELLY SAYS
I'm sure she approved of Time Magazine's choice of its actual person of the year for 2013, Pope Francis. I never trusted her because her name is spelled with a Y for no apparent reason and I'm prejudiced against people who do that. If you're name is Jennyfer- or even worse, Yennyfer (that's Spanglish for Jennyfer)- or Megyn, you're not to be taken seriously.
Here's what TV anthropologist MegYn Kelly had to say this week, in response to Slate's Aisha Harris's assertion that Santa Claus should be portrayed as a penguin:
"Jesus was a white man, too. It's like we have, he's a historical figure that's a verifiable fact, as is Santa, I just want kids to know that. How do you revise it in the middle of the legacy in the story and change Santa from white to black?"
As is Santa. Her kids must've been watching and she didn't want to ruin the charade for them. In defiance of the white St. Nick archetype, I photoshopped a picture of rapper DMX wearing a festive red cap not unlike this one:
and hung it around my house. I told my daughter that his reindeer are called Ruff Riders and explained to her that he has over 10 children living in multiple houses so he really is a Santa Claus. The only difference between St. DMX and Cracker Claus is that you can't ask St. DMX for what you want, he chooses. You just better hope it's not a murdergram.
TAXI CAB CENTERFOLDS
If you read my last post, you'll know that I have a thing for cab drivers. And if you're anything like me, I know what you're thinking as you read this in the back of a cab on your way to work this morning: "I really want to see my driver's nips." Well, done.
You're in luck this year because Mr. January trimmed down his pinky finger coke nail, Mr. March added some shimmer to his unibrow, Mr. April wears an even bigger turban, and Misters June thru September shaved their back hair.
WANTED: CHARACTER ACTOR TO PLAY MICHELLE OBAMA/OPRAH/BEYONCE
After Kerry Washington suffered from exhaustion after having to play every famous black female from DC to Hollywood in the course of one Saturday Night Live episode, some notable comedians who also meet that description were invited to audition for the show in LA. How lame that they all stood around and prayed in a circle. I had to squint harder at that picture to realize that it wasn't a joke.
I'm available to be on SNL! I'm not African American, but I've been told I look ambiguously ethnic (must be the brown hair).
Also, can everyone please stop saying ish? I get that it's now supposed to be a euphemism for shit, but I liked it much better when it was a synonym for semi. As in, semi automatic weapon = automatic weaponish.
IRRESPONSIBLE TWEETERERS
Some crappy driver killed a grandmother trying to walk along a crosswalk in the Bronx. The driver, 19, first tweeted after the incident, “All I really need right now is to clear my head and find peace of mind.” Unmoved by this teen's gravitas? Well she then tweeted a closeup of leftover lasagna. All this while her victim slowly slipped into the afterlife. I hate Twitter and everybody on it, except for me and the people that I follow.
REVENGE PORN: STILL LEGAL!
As per this article from aptly titled British weekly magazine The Week, revenge porn (n.) is defined as, "...Photographs or video footage of a person, which are uploaded to the internet without the subject's permission and usually without their knowledge. The material is often put online by a former lover although there have been cases where hackers have managed to obtain pictures and uploaded them in an effort to humiliate or blackmail the subject. The images are often accompanied by personal details such as a person's Facebook and social media profiles, an act which compounds the sense of violation felt by the victim."
A guy in San Diego was arrested for having an entire website devoted to this ish shit. This reminds me of a story I'm familiar with. As legend has it, Guy and Girl were high school sweethearts. Guy and Girl both got into college. Guy, fearful of prospect of losing Girl, proposes. Girl says yes. Guy and Girl are promised to each other but go to school in different states. Guy arranges to visit Girl. Guy catches Girl in act of cheating. Girl makes Guy sleep out on the street. Guy exacts the perfect revenge- creating a mock Mastercard commercial which was the most zeitgest-y thing ever back in 2002- and distributes it all around. It went something like this:
Prom corsage: $50
Engagement ring: $500 (hey, the guy was still in high school)
Train tickets to Girl's university: $100
The perfect revenge: priceless
...and then cuts to raunchy crude footage of Guy and Girl boning, to the tune of Nas's Oochie Wally Wally (obviously- is there any other song to bone to?)
I felt for Girl. But I felt for Guy too. Who was the real winner? Me, because I got to watch the video without consequence. Yay!
THANKS DADDY!
This doctor got off to a bad start when he named his daughter Charm. But then he started doing really crazy things like sculpting her breasts and injecting all sorts of biohazards into her skull. You can watch the family video here. And after all that time and money (I guess services were free. Or at least I really hope they were free for the girls' sake, if you know what I mean) Charm looks like a cheesy porn star version of Kristin Cavallari and Brittany looks like a Brazilian tranny. Which is to say that they look like they live in southern California, which in fact they do, so it's all fine.
PUSSY RIOTERS SEEK AMNESTY, PUTIN SHRUGS
How long until Urban Outfitters starts selling these balaclavas? I want one! It might scare the bejeezus out of my one year old, but she's used to Santa Claus looking like DMX, so she'll be ok.
I recently watched a documentary on the group, their alleged crime ("hooliganism", which I'm guilty of every Thursday through Sunday) and trial. You can read more about them here, here, and here. There are a couple of reasons why I like this band, namely 1) that I've appointed one of the singers, Nadia, my Slavic doppelganger; 2) while on trial, when their attorney told them that Madonna had recently written FREE PUSSY RIOT on her back during a concert, they sort of dismissed it. They were just like, "Meh, ok." That's the same reaction I would have, I think. They take themselves way seriously and all seem like they have Aspergers but they're also fearless and lovable. I'd say that they'd be great role models for my daughter except for the whole thing about the group orgy in the biology museum. There will be none of that!
95 AND SINGLE
This video, actually entitled 35 and Single, was in NYT's Op-Ed this week. It's just... I don't like it, but at the same time I think she's cute. I watched the video again with the mute button on and I liked it much better. I know that's mean, but it's the truth.
Her tag line is, "I’m 35, Argentine, Jewish and single. And these four categories don’t seem to go smoothly together." Don't we all have some "categories" that don't mesh well together all the time? And when these categories don't mesh well, there's conflict, which I'm sure most of us have experienced a good deal of. So why make an autobiographical video borne out of that idea, specifically? And why am I supposed to feel bad about the fact that you've been switching hot guys every two years? Who cares about you and your cracked iPhone and your scruffy Greek boy toys (are they still single, most importantly)? And why is this in the Op-Ed pages?
My tag line is, "I'm 29, Agnostic, Jewish, and I love bbq spare ribs." Discuss.
FLO PURCHASES RAPE INSURANCE JUST IN CASE GEICO WEREWOLVES HAVE TO MUCH TO DRINK
That was either the best or worst headline I've ever come up with.
Legislators in Michigan don't have much to do now that Detroit is bankrupt, so they just passed a bill requiring women to purchase rape insurance if they want their post-rape medical treatment (read: abortions) covered. I gather that any number of crackhead squatters wouldn't have had the wherewithal to purchase insurance in the event of an abandoned back alley rape. I also gather that this kind of rape happens in Detroit. Didn't they fire two-thirds of their police force? Women of Detroit: never leave home.
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