Blade Trinity

Mr. Wesley Snipes

I dated this guy on the basketball team in college. After a few weeks of hanging out, he asked me to go with him to see a movie! On a good old-fashioned date! He said he'd pick me up outside my dorm.

I put on my plungiest V-neck Abercrombie sweater just for the occasion. He picked me up as promised. We took a nice stroll to the theater.

We were greeted by three men, friends of his. Two were wearing do-rags, and all averaged close to seven feet tall. We got in line to buy our movie tickets. "What are we seeing?" I asked my date. "Blade Trinity," they all answered in unison. Ugh. Whyyyy.

I was the first in the group to head to the counter when the cashier called out "NEXT." I didn't want to be presumptuous about the breakdown of our date finances. "One for Blade Trinity," I mumbled. I collected my ticket and stepped to the left. My date looked at me kind of sideways. His friends didn't seem too pleased either. 

The gang left the counter and approached me in a semi-circle formation. They were pissed. I felt not unlike a wittle mouse. 
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I thought you were treating us," he replied.
"Well... umm... I didn't realize that... well, why would you think that?"
"We got a tournament coming up in Florida and we want to save our stipend for trip money."
"Umm...ok. That's like, understandable. I mean totally. Totally understandable. But like, I already paid for myself. And you guys already paid for your stuff. So like, what am I supposed to do?"
"You tell us," said my Knight.
"You want me to reimburse you for your ticket?"
"That would be nice," he replied.
"Yeah, real nice," echoed the do-ragged leeches.
"ALL of you?"

The huddle got closer. I immediately went to the ATM to get the cash to pay all of them back. I returned back with the money, and my chivalrous companion put his arm around me before saying the scummiest thing of all time.
 
"Thanks, Sexy. You know I'll make it up to you later."

As white girls say, as if. And also, Eww. There would be no later. Except that in an odd turn of events, as I was getting my hair done on my WEDDING DAY, I received a Facebook friend request/message from my long-lost Knight.

"Hi Hun- How's it goin. Been a while. Sorry 4 the past. Would luv to get to no u better."

Meanwhile, my groom was standing at the alter, straightening his tie. All the guests were packed inside the ceremonial room. The air was thick with anticipation for my arrival. My 102 year old grandmother was barely hanging on to the pew, she was struggling with all her might to stand just so that she could see me walk down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. Groom cleared his throat. Best Man shrugged. "Where IS she?" the guests all mouthed to each other.

Back at the hotel room, I was pacing back and forth, trying to decipher Knight's poetry. I was consumed by thoughts of calling off my wedding in light of this watershed moment. I consulted with my Maid of Honor, who at that point had completed almost 3 years of PhD shrink school at the University of Phoenix.

"What should I do?" I asked her desperately.
"What is it about you that makes you ask me that?" she replied as she scribbled some notes.
"Stop confusing me with your wizard shrinkery!" I yelled.

In the end, it would take more than a careless, misspelled, accidentally-sent to-the-wrong-girl-because-you-were-binge-drinking Facebook message to win back my heart. Sorry Knight, I know you tried (not really). But if they ever make a Blade IV- which I hope to God they don't- tickets are on me.